Death – living to die

Death

Death and our relationship with it is different for everyone.

Last year I was in the middle of writing my obituary for my death as it was a craze. Every paper I read had someone writing an obituary. Everyone was obsessed with death. A kind of what would you like people to say when you die.  Perhaps an attempt to shock you into wanting to be a better person.

Before I had a chance to finish it, I was diagnosed with cancer.

The big C. As you would imagine my life was thrown into turmoil.

Since that moment I have not been able to finish y obituary. The reason is I’m scared to death of death and the idea of my mortality.

Death

both of these men were dead within a year of this photo & I am fighting for my life

I’ve lost a lot of friends over the years. I’ve been to too many funerals for someone my age. My relationship with death has definitely chanced since my treatment of which I am only in the middle of. Its on my mind every-time I close my eyes. The last thing I say is please don’t let me die. The last thing I said to the surgeon before she cut me open was yes, please don’t let me die. And when praying or wishing for everything, then this is always the same.

I know my life will never be the same and as the doctors confirm no one who has a life threatening disease ever truly recovers emotionally. The fear never leaves. Its always there somewhere. When you hear a story of someone dying no matter how young or old if it is from the same disease you have then you shiver inside.

You just learn to live with death I’m told.

So far I haven’t and its definitely an adjustment process but perhaps one day if I’m lucky to beat this disease then I will able to process it better and return to having the same relationship everyone else has.


Related Posts:

About Sandra

Just a girl from Ireland who wants to live everywhere. Not a planner, a winger when it comes to travel. I don't even like people who plan too much. Without spontaneity there is no depth. A jack of all trades. A great friend, loyal and passionate and I expect the same in return. Always ready for the next adventure at a moments notice.
This entry was posted in cancer, Daily Blog and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.
Loading Facebook Comments ...

You must fill in your Livefyre SiteID in the Comments Evolved plugin options.

Loading Disqus Comments ...

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

No Trackbacks.